The Truth Shall...Bring You Joy!
A few years ago now, I was in the middle of a prayer & meditation time when I repeatedly found myself becoming tearful as I sat with the image of taking a couple’s beach vacation. I found myself thinking, “How fun would that be?”
It was as if I could actually feel the sun on my face and the ocean breeze on my skin. I could see that beautiful multi-toned water. And as I started choking up for a third time, I stopped soaking in the image in order to pay attention to my emotions, because, wow! This was really live for me.
I began to investigate: Why was just sitting with the image of a beach vacation making me so emotional? After a moment or so, another thought came to mind: “You know, over and over again, my response to taking time alone for ourselves has been, ‘There’s just no way.’”
And as I took a moment to trace this “can’t” mentality, a thought pattern became clear as day to me:
I had been telling myself a very unhelpful story for 12 straight years.
Identifying statements like these and then finding a truer story and perspective is powerful practice for increasing your quality of life.
I’ll explain.
When it comes to sharing the story of our lives, we tend to have 3 versions of every story:
What happened.
What we tell ourselves about what happened.
And what we tell others about what happened.
In the case of my story:
What happened was that we expanded our family.
The story I’d been telling myself was: I cannot BOTH have a family AND take vacations.
The story I was telling others was: It’s just not the right time.
Now, if we further dig into that story, a deeper-yet story was:
I chose these kids, and so it’s my responsibility to take care of them – all of the time, with few exceptions.
And if I want to have fun, I can do that when they’re grown because, obviously, these kids have needs, and it’s my job to be there for them.
And in case you couldn’t tell, I was very rigid in sticking to my story. But! In a moment of stillness, a truth began to emerge. My inner wisdom was able to cut through the noise and say:
“This story is not true. There is room for you to BOTH be a parent AND have fun.” Both are possible. You don’t have to choose. It’s not either/or. It’s both/and.
I had been telling myself for years: You must defer joy. And that was not a true story.
A truer-yet story would have been: I’m afraid of leaving my kids.
I was living at the very bottom of something called “The Downward Spiral of Emotions.” If you’re unfamiliar, a Google search can offer you a plethora of visuals, but to briefly describe it here, at the top of the spiral is “Joy.” And when we are living in joy, we feel things like freedom, love, and appreciation.
If we are a bit farther down the spiral, we might describe ourselves as “optimistic,” a space where we don’t feel completely free and empowered, but we can imagine it. We see possibilities. We’re hopeful.
Several steps down yet, we move into “worry,” which is familiar territory for most of us. Most of us would probably report “having a lot on our minds.” We know what it’s like to “feel the pressures of our lives.” And just to say, when this is the case, we’re a long way from freedom. We may be able at access appreciation – even multiple times throughout the day – but it just doesn’t seem to stick. Worry returns.
And then finally, if we travel all the way down the spiral, we arrive at “fear,” a space where we feel powerless to change our situation, which leaves us feeling like the victim.
So returning to my story, I was living out what we might call “unnecessary suffering,” and even as these things I was telling myself reflected the emotions and feelings I was having, they didn’t help me move through the emotions so that I could live in freedom and joy.
Perhaps this is why Jesus says in John 8:32 (NIV)
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
But there is good news! It is possible to get to break the cycle and move towards joy and freedom.
Journeying towards joy-filled freedom:
Slow down
You’ll remember that the story I was telling myself and others had been on auto-pilot for 12 years. I wasn’t questioning it. I was taking it as truth. And I wasn’t able to see it for what it was until I was sitting in stillness.
Slowing down is a helpful practice. Our bodies are constantly looking for dangers that are going to wipe us out. We were born with this self-protecting way of thinking, and our auto-response doesn’t always get it right. We need time for our hearts, bodies, and minds to become calm and feel safe. It is in the stillness that we will more easily hear, sense, and feel the truth of what is.
Once we have become still, we can then:
Ask: What is actually true?
Remember, the stories we’re telling ourselves and others are often there because we don’t feel entirely free. And so what is at the core of the story we’ve been rehearsing? Is there something there that hurts? Are we afraid of something? What is really there? Once we are still, we’re better able to identify the unnecessary suffering in our lives.
Towards those ends, as we ask ourselves what is actually true, we can also:
Investigate feeling statements.
Your feelings are always valid, and it is always important to acknowledge your feelings with kindness and compassion.
That being said, our feelings are not always connected to truth. Going back to my story, while I was feeling afraid to leave my kids, the truer story was not an either/or situation. It was a both/and. A quick note here: It will be important to remember: Fear makes us feel powerless to do anything about our situation.
Our yes when it comes to our feelings is to take good care of them. But we also are going to want to be careful not to equate them with truth if, and when, they are not.
And then lastly
Make a new plan in light of what’s true.
Take even one, little baby step up the ladder.
If you’re the type of person who likes to face your fears boldly, then maybe you’ll be ready right now today to “book that beach vacation,” or whatever it is for you.
But if you need the baby steps…
Maybe start with taking a step outside and actually smelling the air, actually seeing the clouds, actually feeling the breeze sweep through your hair. Then, maybe schedule dinner out. Take time to feel delighted, to do something just for the pure enjoyment of it.
Maybe even take a moment now for a little stillness and intention setting.
Move towards that life of freedom and joy with a fuller awareness of the stories you may be telling yourself and with naming your truer story.
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