Spiritual Practices for When Fear is Taking Over
For years, I’ve been seen as an optimist. When people have needed someone to look on the bright side of life, they’ve called on me.
But you know, even the optimist in the room has to say and do hard things. And when those days come where I’ve had to say no, ask the hard questions, or offer an alternate possibility, well, let’s just say there have been times when I could actually feel the energy leaving my body.
…which has caused me to get real with myself: What is this about?
In asking this question, I’ve realized two things:
I do not like to be disappointed
I project my dislike of disappointment on to others.
If you think this sounds not so healthy, you’d be right.
I’ve had to work with myself on this, and I’ve had to enlist the help of counselors, spiritual companions, supervisors, friends, and significant others to work on this.
One thing that has really helped me personally:
Stillness
If I can sit in prayer and meditation before connecting with others, this does wonders to help me feel grounded and to be able to know the difference between my projections and reality.
And this is super helpful because, while my mental treadmill is set to warp speed with thoughts of how everyone is going to be so upset by whatever it is I feel I need to say…
Real life moment here: Someone else is saying:
“This is just what we needed. Thank you for bringing these questions today. I really appreciate it.”
The moment I reference above was an important moment in my life. Whereas I had pigeon-holed myself as a People Pleaser and a Worker Bee, there were so many other things I was capable of being.
I needed to learn to ask a different sort of question:
What is called for in this moment now?
What we’re talking about is learning to act out of our truest self. To help us do that, it can first be nice to know what fear is and how it works.
Fears can be broken down into two categories: External Fears and Internal Fears.
Let’s start with our External Fears, which can be broken down into two sub-categories: Rational and Primal.
Rational Fears tend to relate to dangers that are real and imminent like when we’re driving on an icy road. The danger of sliding is real and could happen at any moment.
Primal fears, while they can be real and imminent, like if we see a poisonous snake on a hiking trail, primal fears are universally born out of our will to stay alive and can be triggered even when there’s nothing there. A good example: Being afraid of the dark. This is a worthwhile fear when we’re sleeping outside in the wilderness. It may be less helpful every time we get up to go to the bathroom in the night. So that’s a bit about External Fears.
Internal Fears, then, are those things connected to our thoughts and emotions. And because our thoughts and emotions don’t always reflect the truth, Internal Fears are sometimes labeled Irrational Fears.
My fear that I would upset people by asking questions in a meeting was an Irrational Fear born out of my Internal Fears around disappointment.
You can know you’re in Internal Fear territory when the mental treadmill starts in on the
What-if’s
Should be’s
If Only’s
But the difficult thing about Internal Fears is that they often operate at the subconscious level. We tend not to see the behavior in ourselves. And if we do see the behavior, we may be thinking it’s “good” for us in the long run, though it’s clearly causing us trouble.
And so what can be done about something affecting our lives so profoundly?
Spiritual Practices for when Fear is Taking Over
Gain Perspective by Asking Questions
We can ask ourselves:
What am I worried about?
Is there anything behind the way that I’m thinking?
What we ultimately want to learn to do is respond to our Inner Wisdom over and above our Inner Critic. Inner Wisdom is the one that guides, councils, and teaches us. Inner Critic is the one that tears us down and keeps us feeling stuck.
Another spiritual practice we can use:
Get “Behind the Waterfall”
The imagery here is straightforward. Sometimes, we stand under the waterfall of our thoughts and emotions, allowing them to pummel us to the point that we can’t get any perspective. It’s all too much. We can’t discern anything when we’re under the waterfall.
However, if we get behind the waterfall, that’s a very different thing. From this perspective, our swirl of thoughts and fears are out in front of us. We can see them. They can pass by, but we’re not being overtaken by them.
It’s then that we can realize, “Oh, that’s a story I’m telling myself.” That’s unnecessary suffering. It’s not what’s actually happening. It’s what I’m projecting could happen. It’s what I think about what happened. But it’s not what’s actually happening.
Another spiritual practice we can use:
“May I/you/they be well.”
This is about blessing ourselves and others while also creating regulation in our hearts, minds, and bodies. The calmer we become, the easier it is to simply say, either in your head or out loud May I be well. May I be well. May I be well.
And truly do give yourself time. Take that slow inhale before exhaling that blessing because your whole self really does need time to relax into your new reality.
Think of it as being similar to when you first wake up or when you warm up for a workout. At first, we feel a bit stiff. Rigid. But as we get going, the muscles relax a little bit more. And a little bit more. And a little bit more.
It’s the same with fear. So without rushing: May I be well.
Or if the prayer is for someone else: May they be well.
Another possibility:
Spend time playing “And then what…”
This is about letting yourself actually imagine your worst-case scenarios.
For me, in the case of being afraid of being anything less than a People-Pleaser, it might have looked something like this:
I don’t want to ask these questions.
Well why not? What would happen if you do?
Well, I don’t know. Maybe they’ll think I’m a bother or that I’m not supportive.
And what if they do think that?
Well, then I’ll feel bad. And maybe they won’t ask me to do stuff in the future. Maybe they’ll kind of oust me.
And what if they do?
Well, then I – I don’t know – I’d feel lonely. Or rejected I guess.
And what if you feel rejected and lonely?
Well that would be horrible. Those are my partners, and I want partners. So I’d feel lost.
And what if you felt lost?
Well, I guess I’d have to lean into the one I call God for guidance.
Or something like that. This can be incredibly helpful for someone people. But if this one would stress you out even more, don’t do it.
And then, just one more possible Spiritual Practice
"Sing” the song of your heart
Bottom line, your Inner Wisdom knows! Your body knows. What my body knew on the day of that meeting where I was so afraid to speak up was that I needed to speak up. Spiritual Practice helped me overcome my fear so that I could bring my Skills and Experience into the room instead of second-guessing my worth.
Living into Abundant Joy is about living authentically. It’s about following your practice so that you can operate out of your truest self. Human nature often causes us to second guess ourselves, to wonder if we are as “good” as others in the room, to feel so very sure that we can’t possibly measure up.
But you, my friend. You matter. And you are a unique light in the world. May your inner light shine, originating at the core of your being, expanding throughout your whole self, warming you from the inside, until that light spills out into the world around you and becomes light for another.
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